If a Pine Tree Pretends To Fall In The Northwest Forest
by ViolentFlowers
Summary: Does it Make A Sound? - Mabel/Pacifica - "I need your help! You have to pretend to be dating me so my parents will back off getting me to go on The Teen Bachelorette," Pacifica said, jerking her thumb back at the film crew setting up on the Mystery Shack's lawn. "I mean look at what I'm wearing! This is the worst."


**AN: This was written for the Rare Pair Fest 2015 exchange for VictoriaWrites** **on AO3.**

...~~***~~...

 _Unicorn Lover_ and its ilk had promised, promised! A swarthy prancing alicorn of desire, neigh passion, thundering at a gallop across Mabel's heart and yet year after year that fantasy turned into nothing more than horse apples in Gravity Falls. She had given up hope, but wow was this steamy tail of Sea Muffin and Bethany a wild ride of barely restrained bridle lust. No wonder Wendy had loaned her this epic!

It was currently taking up all of Mabel's time and distracting her from the fact that _The Teen Bachelorette_ show was camped out right outside her door! A once in a lifetime chance to be the center of a whirlwind of boys and fame.

Except she would not run off again into the arms of a cold heartless corporation hell bent on profiting from her pure romantic date-able heart! She'd learned her lesson last time when it had been _The Tween Bachelor_ , and he'd turned out to be a dragon! Nope. Not going to put her heart out there to get crushed for the 23rd time. It didn't matter that it sounded like Mabel's heart was beating in sync with her barely held excitement, she was holding onto her resolve! She wouldn't be sucked in again!

She had a book! Her beating heart was taking on a desperate rhythm.

"Mabel! Why aren't you answering the door?" Dipper yelled, running past her emergency crafting station. Oh, that was someone knocking on the door and not her heart? Whew.

Dipper opened the door wide to reveal... Pacifica? More specifically, Pacifica dressed in what looked like a floor length prom dress made of red velvet, which was certainly a bit overdressed for mid-afternoon on a Wednesday.

"I need your help! You have to pretend to be dating me so my parents will back off getting me to go on _The Teen Bachelorette_ ," Pacifica said, jerking her thumb back at the film crew setting up on the Mystery Shack's lawn. "I mean look at what I'm wearing! This is the worst."

"Me? But we broke up ages ago." Dipper tilted his head. "Wait, I already met your parents, they aren't going to be surprised. They were getting creepily chummy right before you broke up with me."

"That's why I'm not talking to you." Pacifica pushed Dipper to the side and pointed at Mabel. "I was talking to her!"

Both Dipper and Pacifica jumped when there was a dramatic crash of lightning and thunder, completely at odds with the perfectly clear sky. From out on the lawn Mabel could hear someone yelling. "Dramatic lightning and thunder is a go!"

Mabel threw her hands in the air whooping with joy, the book flew out of her hand and hit the ceiling before landing on the couch. "I'm going to be someone's beard!" She pulled out the sparkly pink one she'd made for just such an occasion.

"I've been waiting my whole life for this." Mabel pitched her voice lower. "Pacifica can't go on a dating show! She's dating me!" The beard held on surprisingly well considering.

"Good job Mabel! Lock that down," Stan yelled from somewhere in the shack.

"My parents will hate her," Pacifica said with a smile, then leaned forward towering over Dipper. "Now let me into this hovel so I can change out of this hideous thing."

After a quick trip to the bathroom, Pacifica returned wearing something more casual while Dipper fidgeted.

"I'm not sure that this is a good idea. Pacifica, why don't you just tell your parents that you don't want to go on the show?" Dipper asked.

"I have! They don't care, but I don't need to go on a stupid show to find somebody to date. Sure I've gone through a dry spell and all the guys I've dated have been either gnomes, dragons, evil triangles, losers, emo sad sacks, or you." Pacifica made a dismissive motion. "Anyway, I think a change of genders and Mabel's 'acting' will hopefully be the end of it and my parents will never ask me again. Or at least not until I'm ancient, like thirty." She paused for a second before tugging the beard off Mabel and looking her up and down. "I hope my parents faint again, that was almost worth dating the dragon."

"I've been practicing my moves just in the hopes of a pretend dating occurrence." Mabel yawned wide and put her arm around Pacifica's shoulders. "Lets go meet your parents, Sugar Butt!" She winked, leaning in with a smirk. "Wink!"

Pacifica sneered in disgust and put a hand on Mabel's face. "No pet names!"

"Awww, not even: Honey Bunches of Cuddle Muffins?" Mabel said around the fingers on her face.

Pacifica put both hands on Mabel and pushed but couldn't dislodge the arm around her shoulders. "I will pay you to never call me that ever again."

"Cha-ching!" Mabel yelled, throwing her hands in the air and letting Pacifica step away from her.

Pacifica stuffed a twenty into Mabel's mouth. "Yes, yes. No pet names. I need you to act affectionate but not too clingy."

"Wait! What does Mabel get out of this deal? And don't say the satisfaction of a job well done," Dipper jumped in.

"Ugh, fine. Get my parents to drop this horrible show idea and you can have ONE favor." Pacifica pinched Mabel's hand that was reaching out for her again.

Mabel and Dipper looked at each other holding a silent conversation all in eyebrows and mouth shapes before they nodded and did their little victory dance.

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "Don't make me regret offering." She looked Mabel up and down a second time. "We'll need to go shopping to make you even more unpresentable, though I'm not sure that's possible. And then we can go meet them and see how you handle the pressure."

"I can handle it," Mabel said, nodding. "Wink!"

...~~***~~...

"I can't handle this!" Mabel cried as Pacifica pushed her through the doorway and into her palatial bedroom. Mabel couldn't believe that Dipper had ever made fun of how much glitter she had in her room, when Pacifica's bedroom was an apocalypse of sparkle and razzle-dazzle.

The shopping had gone fine. Though now Mabel was decked out like a 1950's bad boy, leather jacket and everything. Which had been great until she'd started sweating about five seconds into meeting Pacifica's family and trying out her fake dating material. She'd thrown her arm over Pacifica's shoulder and then hung on throughout a super uncomfortable line of questioning. Why did no one believe their unbelievable story?

"It's only been 5 minutes! Mabel, you promised!" Pacifica yelled but Mabel was distracted by the four poster bed, the U-sectional couch next to it, not to mention the pool, and the water slide all set in chrome and gold. It didn't seem very inviting, there wasn't a speck of dust or clutter.

There was a chandelier about the size of Mabel's bed hanging above them. "Yeah, but I didn't know it would require so much, you know, talking to you parents. They keep looking disappointed in me. It's really wearing on my self confidence."

"Okay yes, but I personally picked you out of a long list of people. You should feel honored."

"Really?" The giant couch was made out of velvet and looked like it had never been sat on.

Pacifica rolled her eyes and pushed Mabel past the couch that she couldn't stop petting (it was soft and lonely) over to what had to be an Emperor-sized bed. "No, literally you were the only one I would even consider kissing."

"Really!" A knock at the door made Mabel jump but it was only a butler with a phone on a serving platter. When Pacifica picked up the phone Mabel leaned in to listen.

"Pacifica, come downstairs this instant." They heard her father voice from the phone.

"Sorry daddy. I'm just toooo distracted kissing my GIRLFRIEND!" Pacifica slammed the phone down on the platter and shooed the butler away with a distracted air. She turned to Mabel and grabbed the leather jacket pulling her closer with a serious expression. Mabel had to tilt her head up to look at Pacifica's face. "Hurry up and kiss me Mabel!"

"Wha— but I— "

Pacifica leaned down so she could press her glossy lips to Mabel's, pushing her backwards until they fell onto Pacifica's plush bed.

"Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this charade immediately! Oh my god, my eyes!" Mabel heard Pacifica's father yell from a video phone that another butler was holding. When had that guy showed up?

"Ha! Serves you right!" Pacifica yelled at her father while snapping her fingers and dismissing the other butlers with a flick of her hand. (Why were there so many?) They all vanished in unique and interesting ways that Mabel didn't pay attention to at all. "And stay out! We'll be down later for dinner."

Mabel stared up at Pacifica like a deer caught in headlights. The other girl leaned back in, expression going from anger to amusement. Her blond hair fell like a curtain around Mabel's face.

"Well, that worked out well," Mabel babbled, caught under Pacifica's warm body. "Ha ha ha, I should really get going."

"Hmm, no." Pacifica placed her finger on Mabel's lips to quiet her. "You need more practice. That kiss was only barely serviceable."

"What! I worked hard fake kissing my hand. I even got it a little wig to help make it more authentic."

Pacifica smiled. "It was terrible. Here, put your hand on my face."

"Terrible?"

She nodded and moved her own hand to Mabel's face, leaving a tingling sensation where she touched. "Tilt your head a little."

Pacifica leaned down again and sealed their lips together. Mabel could have sworn there were fireworks going off, the sounds and lights probably a dead give away. Pacifica didn't pay them any mind.

When Pacifica pulled back, tucking her blond hair behind her ear, Mabel couldn't stop looking at the way the other girl's smile had an edge. "There you go. You're getting the hang of it but I think you need more work. You should come over again tomorrow."

"Yeah, tomorrow."

Mabel didn't remember much of the dinner that she had with Pacifica's parents, only that Pacifica's hand was warm in hers and nice a counterpoint to the frosty looks that the family was giving her. She was pretty sure that she looked as suitably brain damaged as Pacifica had requested when they asked her questions.

...~~***~~...

Dipper had a ton of a questions when Pacifica's limo dropped her off but took one look at Mabel and said, "Oh boy, Mabel do you know what you're doing?"

"Nope but this was a great idea!" Mabel yelled and wandered into a wall.

"Mabel, don't forget it's fake!" Dipper yelled at her as she climbed the stairs to their room.

"Pft, I know that, it's going to be fine." Mabel, said stopping to look back at Dipper. "I mean sure the kissing is way better than I was expecting and I don't know, I get all tingly when she holds my hand, but it'll be fine. Totally fine."

Dipper frowned.

...~~***~~...

"It's not fine," Mabel whined into her knees. She was covered in glitter and uncooked noodles. What was she doing with her life?

"You might want to talk to her, Mabel," Dipper said from a safe distance away.

Mabel looked at him and flailed. "I know, Dipper, and I thought I'd be okay but this is like our three week anniversary! I made her a card." She waved the card and Dipper took a step back to avoid being covered in glitter. "I'll talk to her next week or something."

"Next week! Mabel you said you'd talk to her last week and the week before. You aren't even hanging out at her parents and bothering them any more. Mostly you two go on actual dates to movies, hang out at the burger stand, and go to Makeout Point. You need to get this cleared up. Figure out what's going on."

"I know, I know, but what if she wants to break up?" Mabel flopped back onto the floor.

"Mabel, this was pretend dating!

"I know! But I have pretend committed! I pretend liked her so hard I really like her for real even though she's sort of mean and keeps paying me money every time I come up with a new pet name for her! What's wrong with Kitten Smitten?" she asked. That had been the best one yet.

Dipper winced. "Yikes."

They were getting off point. "What if she doesn't feel the same? What if she never kisses me again?"

"Well you have to do something. We go back home in a month or two. Do you really want to end up pretend long distance?"

Mabel narrowed her eyes; that might not be too bad. "Maybe, maybe it would be better than real breaking up and real moping."

Dipper put his hand on her shoulder and then regretted it right away when he pulled it back covered in glitter. "Pretend you have courage and ask her to be your girlfriend for real."

...~~***~~...

"So for real, I think my parents have finally given up on trying to get me to be a part of that stupid show," Pacifica declared as soon as she sat down next to Mabel at the dinner. Her butler had already changed out the booth so that it was new and spotless, and she waved him away after he replaced the table with one to Pacifica's satisfaction. Lazy Suzan just waited until everything was finished before trying to take their order.

"Oh that's good. Great even. Ha ha ha." This was not going well, get with it Mabel!

"I think we can finally stop pretending to be dating." Pacifica said, the words stabbing Mabel in the heart.

"Ah yeah pretending. That's right! I guess we can stop."

"You don't look very happy?"

"Yeah... no... I thought... Er, well... I bought you a present for our 3 week anniversary."

"A present?" Pacifica asked while Mabel brought out the card she'd been working on. The outside said 'I Think I Have a Crush' and it exploded glitter all over the new table when it was opened so Pacifica could read the inside that said 'I'm Thinking about U Berry much' in hard noodles. Pacifica held the card by the corner, a small smile on her face. "Oh, I see."

"I should go." Mabel tried to slide under the table.

"Wait, Mabel!" Pacifica grabbed her hand and held on. "I've decided that it's a waste of effort to stop now. I mean you've gotten really good at kissing after all."

Mabel stopped trying to fit herself into a fetal position under the table. "Really?"

"Well, I'd have to train someone else and that's a lot of work. And you still drive my parents to moments of heart palpitations. Also there's this pain in my chest every time I even think about breaking it off. Is that normal? Am I going to die?"

Mabel burst back out from under the table. "We should pretend real date! No, I mean let's date for real! Really real dating!"

"You want to?"

"Yes! I mean for real! Yes."

"Good." Pacifica said tucking the card into her purse and wiping the glitter off the table. "Because I stopped thinking it was fake ages ago but I couldn't figure out how to tell you."

"Oh, Sugar Bunting, me too," Mabel said and leaned up to kiss Pacifica in front of everyone in the dinner.

When she pulled back Pacifica frowned. "No pet names."

"But BeeBee— "

"No," Pacifica said, slapping two twenties across Mabel's mouth. "If we're really real going to make this work, I want you to call me your girlfriend and not some cutesy term of endearment."

"Oh, okay." Mabel leaned in close and whispered. "Girlfriend."

Pacifica smiled. "That's really sweet, Crab Cakes." Mabel sputtered (that's not fair) but she faltered under the bright gleam of Pacifica's smile. Distracted by the way she tucked her blond hair behind her ear, Mabel almost missed what Pacifica said next. "By the way, you never told me what you wanted as a favor for helping me out."

Mabel didn't miss a beat. "Summerween!"

"Okay?"

"I get to decide our outfits and you help make the magic happen!" There were arm movements to go with this statement that Pacifica skillfully avoided.

"I'm going to regret offering, aren't I?"

"Unbridled passion!" Mabel squealed.

Pacifica narrowed her eye and pointed at Mabel. She had been forced to listen to Mabel explain the entire plot to _Unicorn Lover_ and its sequel _Passion of the Unicorn_ and its triumphant finale _Whisper of the Unicorn Heart_ during three different very uncomfortable family dinners. She wasn't laughing this time. "Oh no, no, no. We're not dressing up as horses!"

"You're not, but I'm going to have the best unicorn costume ever!" Mabel was so excited, Pacifica would make an amazing Bethany and Dipper was going to be Sea Muffin's long lost twin brother: War Cookie.

"Ugh, fine." Pacifica slapped a hand on her face. "But you have to come pick me up from home."

"Oh yes, we have to be sure your parents don't miss out on the fun," Mabel promised.


End file.
